December 25: Just Another Day

I've been struggling with doing things for myself my entire life. I don't mean bathing, eating, paying bills, & other personal care. What I'm talking about is setting my personal boundaries.

I've always been the first one to volunteer for non-profit projects or organizations, personal care providing, & childcare along with light house keeping. I used to volunteer to help people just because they were my friends, & I will continue to do so because being kind to others just makes my heart feel good. However, there was a time in my recent past that I would bite off more than I could chew. That caused me to get burned out, then I'd quit, thereby creating a sense of guilt that I should be doing more for others  & not focus on my own "selfish" needs. I wasn't raised Catholic, but I had the guilt associated with the stereotype.

It started with saying "no" to watching my grandson, & that was soul-strangling! I love the guy, but I was becoming resentful of him & his mother, my eldest daughter. I had to set boundaries for my sanity. At present, I know that I can set boundaries without rigidity; they can bend, stretch, & shrink when needed. In emergencies, my own needs cease to exist. When childcare is wanted for a night out or the like, then I can weigh my plans before making a choice (sometimes with but mostly) without guilt. Finding a balance was such a battle betwixt my emotions, societal guilt, who I am, & what I desired from my own boundaries.

One of my MAJOR decisions was to not participate in commercial holidays. I performed the "dutiful" holiday traditions while my children were young as I didn't want them to feel alienated at school. There's enough of that without parents making their children outcasts from the get-go. Once they were grown (or close enough to it), I started questioning why I did these things. Was it for the children? To watch their excitement? No. All that planning, conspiring, & shopping withers within an hour. Was it because I wanted to spend time with my family? HELL NO! Why would I continuously try to belong to a group of people that didn't accept me for who I am? Or that tortured & bullied me? Or that molested & raped me? Like most Americans, I was addicted to the familiar (note the root word "family").

My mother passed away on December 17, 1977 (when I was but 7 years old), & I haven't liked Christmas since. There was a depression that would set in, & I wanted to die every year. I thought the darkness was because my of mother's death, but as I grew i realized that it was the entire stress-filled, commercialized thing.

As a child that wasn't wanted I was thrown around from family to family like an old rag. I experienced holidays in various "white American" cultures:  some affluent & some well below the poverty margin. There was talk of a virgin birth, wise men, a star, an angel, & a cruel inn-keep. There were songs & television special revolving around a beagle, a drummer boy, Nester, The Long-Eared Donkey, Rudolph (a marketing ploy of the merchandiser, Montgomery Ward), The Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty (a magical, thieving snowman), Jack Frost, & various other gimmicks to keep the commercial holiday season "fresh" & customers consuming.

I didn't fail to mention Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, or whatever you choose to call this mythical over-sized & obese elf that travels around the world, breaks into people's homes, spies on the children, & tells parents whether or not their children are "worthy" of presents. Again, I didn't fail to mention this guy. It just seemed redundant to explain how ridiculous this legend is. We don't need to make our children mind; we need to teach them to explore.

According to my understanding of the Holy Bible, Jesus said for his disciples to lose their worldly possessions & FOLLOW him. I have NEVER read a passage that told me to WORSHIP him. Christ, in my opinion, seems to have directed that ALL of the glory goes to God, not him (Jesus).

DISCLAIMER:  I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE THAT MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!

Basically, my spiritual decision for not participating was a no-brainer. Besides, I've always appreciated the Celtic (or Gaelic) & Pagan seasonal traditions. They just seem more "connected," in my opinion.

Going to my different & several family homes as an adult with children was an energy sucking affair. At my mother's family gatherings, my cousins were cruel to my children just as the ones my age were when I was a child. They hid my eldest daughter's (who was 3 at the time) Christmas, patent-leather shoes in a crawl space until she cried. Then, even the adults said she was a cry-baby. When I stood up for her, I was promptly told that it wasn't my place to discipline their children. I took Jackie & left. They really had a field day with my youngest, who is more like me than Jackie. For example, my Daryl Emily has never really liked anyone touching her, so these cousins (Nathan & Nicole Hardesty along with Garrett Hicks) encouraged my Aunt Tammy's younger children to cling onto Daryl by hugging & kissing on her. Daryl told them to leave her alone, then Nicole told the little ones to pinch Daryl. When Daryl reacted, of course she got a lashing from all of MY aunts. It was just like when I was a kid. Why did I expose my children to this time & again? It was familiar. . . & they BEGGED to go.

It wasn't any better in the homes of other families, & I have a wealth of truths on that subject.

I was asked recently if I get lonely during the seasonal festivities, & I didn't have a definitive answer. After a month or so of serious consideration I've concluded that I am no more & no less lonely than any other time of the year. However, I can honestly say that my own self-worth has improved by not trying to "fit" in with the people in which I am "supposed" to belong.

Since I've stopped participating in commercial holidays, I have far less stress & fewer bouts with seasonal depression. It has been freeing.

Where I'm At

Since the untimely passing of The Late, Great, Robin Williams, Master of Improv, I haven’t wanted to write a damn thing. It’s hard to be introspective when I’m surrounded by death, suicide, & violence.

Also, my youngest daughter has needed my attention while she tries out her adult wings. Her choices have created intense consequences, & watching her go through it is frustrating & heartbreaking.

I've yet to mention my own responsibilities & commitments that I've let encumber my own happiness. The prospect of moving was scary in itself, but then to get excited about it only to have it ripped away was a roller coaster of emotions. The ride landed me back right where I was in the first place.

On December 17th of this year, the 37th anniversary of my mother’s death, I found myself caring for my grandson while he was ill. He had pneumonia. Although I was concerned about his health, it was a distraction from the depression that tries to set in during the holiday season.

It appeared that the boy was feeling better by the evening, but he definitely was not. As soon as I got him buckled in & was heading back inside he puked again! Poor lil guy! I love, love, LOVE that little man, & I am so happy that he is better. I’m very grateful that it didn't turn into the super flu.

I’ve recently given up dairy. I have virtually no will-power, so the struggle was interesting. I still crave certain dairy products, & when I cave to the crave I suffer for it. 95% of the time (a percentage made up entirely by me) I’m completely satisfied & have no desire to fall of the wagon, even at social gatherings. I feel so much better physically.

My PC had been running on its last circuit & finally died on that fateful December 17th. I wiped everything & started from scratch. I have decided to be very scrupulous when downloading anything from the internet.

All of that said, I’m trying to keep blogging. . .