i talk. they ignore.
I FOUND MY MEGAPHONE!
Part I
Me waiting in ER: The pen was to keep me from biting & chewing the inside of my mouth.
Entry One: March 29, 2016;
On Saturday, December 26, 2016, at 7:45 AM, I left my house for work. It was no different than any other time that I’ve left for work. I was bopping to my headphones & ready to pull my full shift, from 8 AM – 4 PM. I clocked on & went straight to work. I don’t remember much of the following three or four days. For that you would have to ask my daughter, her finance, & a family friend. What I do remember is that I was fine when I got to work and 8:00 AM, and I was still fine at 10:00 AM, when my daughter and I spoke on the phone.
On Saturday, December 26, 2016, at 7:45 AM, I left my house for work. It was no different than any other time that I’ve left for work. I was bopping to my headphones & ready to pull my full shift, from 8 AM – 4 PM. I clocked on & went straight to work. I don’t remember much of the following three or four days. For that you would have to ask my daughter, her finance, & a family friend. What I do remember is that I was fine when I got to work and 8:00 AM, and I was still fine at 10:00 AM, when my daughter and I spoke on the phone.
By 10:30 AM, when my daughter came to see me& bring me food stuffs, I had developed a rapid heart beat, an issue with breathing, and was feeling very anxious.
That is about all I can say right now because I need a minute…
Entry Two: March 30, 2016;
That’s when my daughter & her fiancé noticed that I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me as I was starting to panic.
I have social anxiety anyway, so panic attacks are like family to me. They come in hard & fast, make me think I need to fight, flight, or freeze, then slip away & pretend that nothing happened. You know, like family. I have a few other psychological “disorders,” according to therapists’ opinions (mine, too, as I know how to read the DSMs I-V[i]), so before jumping to conclusions. . .
Entry Two: March 30, 2016;
That’s when my daughter & her fiancé noticed that I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me as I was starting to panic.
I have social anxiety anyway, so panic attacks are like family to me. They come in hard & fast, make me think I need to fight, flight, or freeze, then slip away & pretend that nothing happened. You know, like family. I have a few other psychological “disorders,” according to therapists’ opinions (mine, too, as I know how to read the DSMs I-V[i]), so before jumping to conclusions. . .
My mind started racing, & I started believing that I felt like I had just snorted or “parachuted” (swallowed a substance -- usually a narcotic -- wrapped in something else, like tissue or a gel-cap) a $5 bump (line of narcotics). I didn’t want to think that way, but what else could I think? I had NOT, knowingly, or willingly ingested anything weird or remotely related to street drugs in over a decade.
. . . I tried assessing my symptoms, but my mind was racing. I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I kept trying to get my muscles to behave. You see. . .
. . . in October of 2003, I was diagnosed with Polymyalgia-Rheumatica[iii] (no relation to Fibromyalgia[iv], which I was diagnosed with last year – 2015). I also was told by doctors that I had hypothyroidism[v] many, many years ago. . .
. . . I kept trying to control my muscles & assess whether or not I could, or even should, stay at work. I guess I thought I needed to stay. All I know is that I usually completed all my tasks on time, or shortly thereafter, but that day I was nearly 2 hours late clocking off. Like I stated earlier, my memory of the events of the day are sporadic, at best. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, the only obvious answer was that I was exposed to something toxic while on shift. That would mean I either came into physical contact with a substance by happenstance or I was drugged.
Just the thought frightened me. So, I then had all these thoughts, assessments, & now conspiracy theories going round in my head. All I could think was that I needed to get to the hospital. It was all I could do to sit still, so that wasn’t an option. I couldn’t eat. I even had to force myself to simply swallow water that was already in my mouth without gagging & choking on it. I couldn’t relax. None of my skills for relaxation were working, & my symptoms keep intensifying.
Around 9 PM, my symptoms were so great they were interfering with my breathing. I had my daughter’s fiancé take me to the ER at PeaceHealth Southwest Medical Center. I asked the ladies at the front desk if I could have a blood panel performed because I was certain I was poisoned, or something. While waiting, I asked if I could have a Crime Victims Form, & reception told me that they are not the police, so they are under no obligation to report a crime. They said that was up to me. Later, I asked the triage nurse & was told the same line.
I know I kept repeating that “all I do is smoke weed, & I don’t do drugs.” I know they heard my words, but no one was listening. I repetitively said, “I love food & sleep too much to do this to myself.” “I smoke weed. That’s all.” When the blood work came back, the doctor smirked, & said, “You definitely smoke weed. That is very apparent. You also have enough methamphetamine in your system to down a horse, in my opinion.” I started sobbing that “I don’t do drugs,” Someone had to do this to me,” I wouldn’t do it to myself!” “I just started a job that I love,” “Why would I ruin it?,” & “I am finally happy where I am at, so why would I do this to myself?”
Later still, at my release, I asked the doctor, Joshua J. Hurwitz, MD. , that treated me the same question about Crime Victims, & like a good robot, he regurgitated the same response, “We are not the police. We are under no obligation to report a crime. That is up to you.” I was in no condition to speak to anyone, & at the time the phone was frightening me for no logical reason, mind you. I couldn’t understand why no one was taking me seriously. I still don’t.
Me in ER: I took A LOT of pictures (that was all I could focus on – called “tweaking” or “spinning”)
*AS ALWAYS: Let Peace, Love, & Joy be yours. Blessed Be!
*Entry Three: Coming relatively soon. This is a challenge.
