December 25: Just Another Day

I've been struggling with doing things for myself my entire life. I don't mean bathing, eating, paying bills, & other personal care. What I'm talking about is setting my personal boundaries.

I've always been the first one to volunteer for non-profit projects or organizations, personal care providing, & childcare along with light house keeping. I used to volunteer to help people just because they were my friends, & I will continue to do so because being kind to others just makes my heart feel good. However, there was a time in my recent past that I would bite off more than I could chew. That caused me to get burned out, then I'd quit, thereby creating a sense of guilt that I should be doing more for others  & not focus on my own "selfish" needs. I wasn't raised Catholic, but I had the guilt associated with the stereotype.

It started with saying "no" to watching my grandson, & that was soul-strangling! I love the guy, but I was becoming resentful of him & his mother, my eldest daughter. I had to set boundaries for my sanity. At present, I know that I can set boundaries without rigidity; they can bend, stretch, & shrink when needed. In emergencies, my own needs cease to exist. When childcare is wanted for a night out or the like, then I can weigh my plans before making a choice (sometimes with but mostly) without guilt. Finding a balance was such a battle betwixt my emotions, societal guilt, who I am, & what I desired from my own boundaries.

One of my MAJOR decisions was to not participate in commercial holidays. I performed the "dutiful" holiday traditions while my children were young as I didn't want them to feel alienated at school. There's enough of that without parents making their children outcasts from the get-go. Once they were grown (or close enough to it), I started questioning why I did these things. Was it for the children? To watch their excitement? No. All that planning, conspiring, & shopping withers within an hour. Was it because I wanted to spend time with my family? HELL NO! Why would I continuously try to belong to a group of people that didn't accept me for who I am? Or that tortured & bullied me? Or that molested & raped me? Like most Americans, I was addicted to the familiar (note the root word "family").

My mother passed away on December 17, 1977 (when I was but 7 years old), & I haven't liked Christmas since. There was a depression that would set in, & I wanted to die every year. I thought the darkness was because my of mother's death, but as I grew i realized that it was the entire stress-filled, commercialized thing.

As a child that wasn't wanted I was thrown around from family to family like an old rag. I experienced holidays in various "white American" cultures:  some affluent & some well below the poverty margin. There was talk of a virgin birth, wise men, a star, an angel, & a cruel inn-keep. There were songs & television special revolving around a beagle, a drummer boy, Nester, The Long-Eared Donkey, Rudolph (a marketing ploy of the merchandiser, Montgomery Ward), The Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty (a magical, thieving snowman), Jack Frost, & various other gimmicks to keep the commercial holiday season "fresh" & customers consuming.

I didn't fail to mention Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, or whatever you choose to call this mythical over-sized & obese elf that travels around the world, breaks into people's homes, spies on the children, & tells parents whether or not their children are "worthy" of presents. Again, I didn't fail to mention this guy. It just seemed redundant to explain how ridiculous this legend is. We don't need to make our children mind; we need to teach them to explore.

According to my understanding of the Holy Bible, Jesus said for his disciples to lose their worldly possessions & FOLLOW him. I have NEVER read a passage that told me to WORSHIP him. Christ, in my opinion, seems to have directed that ALL of the glory goes to God, not him (Jesus).

DISCLAIMER:  I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE THAT MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!

Basically, my spiritual decision for not participating was a no-brainer. Besides, I've always appreciated the Celtic (or Gaelic) & Pagan seasonal traditions. They just seem more "connected," in my opinion.

Going to my different & several family homes as an adult with children was an energy sucking affair. At my mother's family gatherings, my cousins were cruel to my children just as the ones my age were when I was a child. They hid my eldest daughter's (who was 3 at the time) Christmas, patent-leather shoes in a crawl space until she cried. Then, even the adults said she was a cry-baby. When I stood up for her, I was promptly told that it wasn't my place to discipline their children. I took Jackie & left. They really had a field day with my youngest, who is more like me than Jackie. For example, my Daryl Emily has never really liked anyone touching her, so these cousins (Nathan & Nicole Hardesty along with Garrett Hicks) encouraged my Aunt Tammy's younger children to cling onto Daryl by hugging & kissing on her. Daryl told them to leave her alone, then Nicole told the little ones to pinch Daryl. When Daryl reacted, of course she got a lashing from all of MY aunts. It was just like when I was a kid. Why did I expose my children to this time & again? It was familiar. . . & they BEGGED to go.

It wasn't any better in the homes of other families, & I have a wealth of truths on that subject.

I was asked recently if I get lonely during the seasonal festivities, & I didn't have a definitive answer. After a month or so of serious consideration I've concluded that I am no more & no less lonely than any other time of the year. However, I can honestly say that my own self-worth has improved by not trying to "fit" in with the people in which I am "supposed" to belong.

Since I've stopped participating in commercial holidays, I have far less stress & fewer bouts with seasonal depression. It has been freeing.

Where I'm At

Since the untimely passing of The Late, Great, Robin Williams, Master of Improv, I haven’t wanted to write a damn thing. It’s hard to be introspective when I’m surrounded by death, suicide, & violence.

Also, my youngest daughter has needed my attention while she tries out her adult wings. Her choices have created intense consequences, & watching her go through it is frustrating & heartbreaking.

I've yet to mention my own responsibilities & commitments that I've let encumber my own happiness. The prospect of moving was scary in itself, but then to get excited about it only to have it ripped away was a roller coaster of emotions. The ride landed me back right where I was in the first place.

On December 17th of this year, the 37th anniversary of my mother’s death, I found myself caring for my grandson while he was ill. He had pneumonia. Although I was concerned about his health, it was a distraction from the depression that tries to set in during the holiday season.

It appeared that the boy was feeling better by the evening, but he definitely was not. As soon as I got him buckled in & was heading back inside he puked again! Poor lil guy! I love, love, LOVE that little man, & I am so happy that he is better. I’m very grateful that it didn't turn into the super flu.

I’ve recently given up dairy. I have virtually no will-power, so the struggle was interesting. I still crave certain dairy products, & when I cave to the crave I suffer for it. 95% of the time (a percentage made up entirely by me) I’m completely satisfied & have no desire to fall of the wagon, even at social gatherings. I feel so much better physically.

My PC had been running on its last circuit & finally died on that fateful December 17th. I wiped everything & started from scratch. I have decided to be very scrupulous when downloading anything from the internet.

All of that said, I’m trying to keep blogging. . .

SHAZBOT! The Tears of a Clown, When There's No One Around

I heard that a monumental part of my life ended his own yesterday, & I don’t know how to process it. At first, I was angry at Mr. Robin Williams for taking himself away from me. Then, I was sad that we lost such a talent. Next, I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. He is gone & at his own hand. Then, it hit me. If depression can take the greatest impersonator & improvisationalist since Jonathan Winters, then how can I survive it?

When Mork made his first appearance on the hit television program Happy Days (“My Favorite Orkan” Season 5, Episode 22, airing February 28, 1978), I fell hopelessly in love. According to George Carlin (& the FCC), there were seven words that you couldn’t say on television in the 1970s, so Robin Williams invented a swear word that he could use while on set. “Shazbot” has become synonymous with nerd swearing since the early 1980s. As I was a misfit with confusions about the American customs & socially accepted behavior, Mork became quite a hero to me. I was only seven years old at the time & had lost my mother just before Christmas the previous year, but I remember it vividly. Richie met Mork, & not a soul believed that he met an actual space man from outer space.

photo courtesy of ABC

I spent most of my childhood sneaking to watch Mr. Williams whenever he had an HBO special or was featured on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He was so taboo. Like George Carlin, Robin Williams wasn’t intended for young children, but I had a taste for funny that wouldn’t subside. As a teen & a young adult, I was fascinated with his sets concerning sex. The man was erotic. He wasn’t sexy in the worldly sense, but he was all man to me. I would fantasize about being on the receiving end of his “pack a lunch & stay for the day” set & get tingly. I used to fanaticize about him calling me on stage for one of his improv sessions. I’d fantasize about presenting a lifetime achievement award to him at the Oscars. I never fanaticized about being his wife, though. I couldn’t have handled it, not even in my fantasies. I was attracted to/am still attracted to rule-breakers with a message. Mr. Williams did both break the rules & had a message. I’m trying to understand why Robin William’s death is so tragic to me when George Carlin’s passing came as no real surprise. Perhaps it was because Mr. Carlin, although a devout atheist, had an inner peace that kept him motivated, or mayhaps I relate more with Mr. Williams as I, too, have a devout faith in God & have been diagnosed with depression.

Like me, Mr. Williams was an only child. Unlike me, he grew up with money. Like me, he was considered fat, so no other children would play with him. Like me, he was ridiculed for his weight & his lack of model-esque looks. Also, like me, throughout his lifetime Mr. Williams struggled with depression. Like me, he has contemplated suicide for years, like when he talks his way through possible suicidal thoughts with his “therapist” while being interviewed for a podcast, Marc Maron’s WTF. He tried self-medicating with drugs & alcohol. He gave up the dope, & became an Academy Award-Winning Actor. As the quintessential comedian, he was hiding his own sadness with his ability to make others laugh, & I envy him for that.

photo courtesy of ABC

Depression isn’t logical & is far from prejudice. It affects people in every walk of life & can be debilitating. Some forms of depression are like a dull ache that the afflicted can’t shake, but for those like me it can come in ebbs & flows. Then, there are others that are completely consumed by the darkness & self-hatred. There is no light when you’re in the midst of a depressed episode & kind words of support mean nothing to the darkness. However, cruel words have the power to plunder the sufferer further into the black. Frankly, the darkness is all there was, is, & all that will ever be.

It’s really a blessing that Robin was already dead when Fox Representative, Shepard Smith called him a coward for killing himself because that would have sent Mr. Williams spiraling even further downward. Since depression may be hereditary, maybe this Fox rep should’ve taken this into consideration before “processing” his own emotions publicly. Reporters are to be professional & objective. What if a person close to Mr. Williams heard that & it affected them? Oh! yeah, Shepard Smith has since “apologized” with a back-door tactic. “In his apology, Smith claims he was simply ‘wondering aloud’ what could have made Williams want to take his life. ‘But no matter how you process it: Look at what this family is going through,’” according to Slate.com. Whether or not he said it or whether or not he apologized is irrelevant. It’s because of people like Mr. Smith that talking openly about suicide is so difficult. How does one express the desire to end the pain when all they hear from others is that they are selfish & cowardly?

Although living with depression is a challenge, being a friend to someone with depression is even more difficult, in my opinion. I’d have a difficult time trying to be my friend, that’s for sure! Sometimes it can feel like your efforts go unappreciated & non-reciprocated, & they are (at least while the friend is consumed by the darkness, void, sadness, grief. . . ). My friends that are still there when I emerge from broken are tremendous, & as the friend to many with different forms of depression I am even more blessed. The most challenging friendships are the ones that involve depression or another form of mental illness. Maybe that’s why Jesus tells me to love without thought for myself as those that need the love aren't capable of reciprocating in the moment? There’s a truth I didn't need revealed right here for everyone to read. Did you know that self-truths tend to pop up when one is writing a blog? Why not? It’s a form of journaling, right?

As an active Psychology patient, I am asked regularly if I’ve had thoughts of suicide, & the honest answer is a resounding, “Yes!.” Life sucks. It’s too hard. So, yes, suicide has been on my brain periodically since I was a small child. I tried to commit suicide when I was 14. There was a boy that I loved with all of my being, & he wouldn’t even flash a smile my way. I went to my foster parents’ bathroom & took every pill that was in the medicine cabinet. Long story short & a dosage of Ipecac later, my ears rang for almost 2 weeks, & I threw up a lot. I also contemplated killing myself so much when I was 15, several of my friends called the police to check on me while I was living with my maternal grandmother. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was serious about it being the only way that I could ever be happy. I hadn’t contemplated suicide for many years after that as my faith discourages killing anyone, including me, but a few years ago I pondered the thoughts again. However, that time, I didn’t have any guilty feelings as I contemplated & made extensive plans & ways to execute them. I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I was playing out the scenarios in my head, & I’m pretty certain that I posted such thoughts on my Facebook profile.

There was a time in my life, like my entire growing up & even up until a few years ago when I thought the same thing. People that commit suicide are cowards & selfish. However, while unlearning all the societal & religious dogma I’ve come to realize that my thoughts & feelings about depression & suicide weren’t my own. They belonged to everyone else. After careful thought, as mentioned previously, I discovered that I, personally, had no judgments regarding suicide or depression.

Down to the core, Robin Williams was more like the character (real person) he portrayed in Patch Adams. According to the Internet and Movie Data Base, “One week after Christopher Reeve's tragic horse-riding accident, Robin visited him in the hospital. However, he was dressed from head to toe in scrubs, spoke with a Russian accent, and had a surgical mask on. He was acting as if he was a real doctor and did a bunch of wacky antics. After he took off his mask, Reeve stated that, ‘That was the first time he laughed since the accident!’". Mr. Williams was so lost and alone inside his own head that he did everything to make others laugh in order to feel better himself. I believe he knew that as long as there was laughter there was life, & I also know in my heart that he also knew that when the laughter stops there is nothing. Robin was lost in the nothing & he didn’t want to, or couldn’t, come back to the laughter.

Robin Williams’ wife, Susan Schneider said, "This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin's family, we are asking for privacy during our tie of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin's death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.” I can’t do that today. It’s too soon. To ignore his tragic death is to hide suicide & its tendencies. There is no shame in depression or wanting to give up.

Mr. Williams was brilliant & lonely. As a child, he was left to play by his lonesome & didn’t make any real connections with anyone, so as an adult he couldn’t make those connections because he lacked the skills. He surrounded himself with people that loved him & that he loved, so he had all of the support anyone could ask for, but he had depression. He was alone, & he was scared. On August 11, 2014 depression won a battle, & I don’t want to see it win anymore.

**PLEASE, TAKE SUICIDE SERIOUSLY**

In an open statement regarding the passing of Mr. Robin Williams, the AFSP expressed condolences & a plea:  “He brought laughter into every life he touched; Robin also suffered from depression.  It is our hope that we are able to have an open conversation that depression and addictions are real illnesses that can sometimes be fatal.  Every 13 minutes someone dies from suicide, and it is among the top ten causes of death in the US.” You may read the statement in its entirety here.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Institute of Mental Health  1-866-615-6464 

SHUT THE HELL UP & CONFORM ALREADY?

“Why don’t you stop that?” “Why do you say things that insult people?” “Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut?” These are questions that I've heard my entire life, & I may be starting to form clear & thoughtful answers. Some of which incite even more questions, but those are more for my benefit not my demise, like the ones quoted previously.

As a very young child, I remember seeing an adult take something off the shelf in the Piggly-Wiggly & immediately telling my mother. She went directly to the store owner & somehow, the criminal was in the back of a police car when we finished shopping. My mother was a spitfire. She never took any grief from anyone, especially men. If my mom saw something that wasn't ethical (the law didn't matter to her, but she held tight to her ethics) she wouldn't just complain about it. My mom always did something about it.

This trait has always been a curse for me as far as “fitting” in is concerned. In school, I couldn't put up with someone being accused of something that I know they didn't do (sometimes because I was the one that did it). I co-staged a sit-in when a friend of mine was accused of calling in a bomb threat (I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement in or knowledge of others’ involvement in such an activity).

I've lost people that I was close to because I can’t handle injustices, no matter how small. While living in Depew, Oklahoma as a 4 year old, I witnessed a neighbor beating his horse with a switch. I told my mother, & she high-tailed it outside after demanding that I stay inside, which I never did. I then told my stepdad’s father what was going on & he hollered for the wife to grab up his shotgun because Eileen had taken up another cause. My granddad was crippled from the waist down, so we got everything outside & ready for him before he got out there. My mom was already face to face with the boy, & the grandmom handed me a pair of binoculars. I saw my mom grab the whip & start hitting the neighbor with it. He ran off, & my mom marched back. I’m certain there was backlash, but they didn't fill me in. Like I said, my mom was a spitfire.

I can’t listen to babies cry when I can so easily fill that need, so going to any public market place is terrifying. There have been times that a parent has hit a child in front of me & I've reacted:  sometimes violently (I probably should have been arrested for it one of the times) & sometimes verbally. Generally, I march right up to the abuser & tell them that I hope that someone that is as big as a Buick does the same thing to them (the abuser). My go-to comment is, “Man, if you did that to an adult, you’d do 2 years with a mandatory 1 year of probation.” If it seems like a volatile situation (like the kid will get into more trouble), I simply call the police or my local Children’s Protective Services Office. I've been known to block these people in a parking space & wait for the police to arrive.

When I was working at the local Southwest Washington family YMCA, my ethics sensors set off alarms like you wouldn't believe. TOO MANY THINGS TO TRY TO IGNORE!!!!! It was a den of lies, deceit, manipulation, & control. Injustices & law breaking galore gave me instant sensory overload. Twice per month, on the 5^th & 15^th, I had to have my pay check readjusted because there was, more often than not, a “mistake.” I repeatedly told my direct supervisor & the CEO/President that it was nearly impossible to make mistakes every single payday! Needless to say, I was terminated on August 11, 2008 because the CEO/President wasn't following policy & tried to deny my Unemployment Claim under the guise of “employee misconduct (which was later changed by the judge representing unemployment).” The judge said that the CEO/President was the one that was exhibiting the misconduct & I was awarded my unemployment compensation. The Financial Director was fired in December 2012 for embezzling over $180, 000, according to an article on The Daily News’ website, dated February 27, 2013.

When I was asked by two investigators if I thought the CEO/President was involved my answer was very honest. After a few moments of careful thought on my part & an awkward silence from the investigators, I told them that “I don’t think he was smart enough to have pulled it off, but he did do things that were questionable.” For example, during my orientation workshop all he did was talk about how he & his wife had three little girls & he still wanted a boy. Apparently, she begrudged him having a boy, according to the orientation presentation. I thought this was inappropriate at work. Also, during my employ, the CEO/President had told me that he only hired people from his alma mater, Washington State University. This was, in fact, the case. The only people that he personally hired, without the aid of his subordinate supervisors, were in fact former Cougar students. It was very apparent when he hired his Administrative Assistant. She would post signs & send out letters that were misspelled, full of typos, & misinformation. There were many complaints from the members that the signs looked like a child a made them. I was the only one that spoke against him, so I was terminated. It might not have made me so determined if the behavior wasn't blanketed with Christianity. . .  but, I’ve gotten my dander up with folks that claim no religion, too.

Again, why don’t I stop my disruptive behavior? That’s simple. To stand idly by would cause me physical illness, & I seem to remember an ambassador for peace by the name of Jesus Christ getting righteously angry when folks were using his Father’s place of worship for ill-gotten gains. Mostly, however, it’s because I am Moitle, & I speak for those without a voice & uncover darkness that tries to hide in my light.

The Cannabis Volunteer Association (CVA), an Introduction

The Cannabis Volunteer Association (CVA) is an organization envisioning legally, regulated cannabis implemented world wide. At this time, the organization is present in the United States of America & the United Kingdom, but with the majority of their work performed online they have the ability to reach all corners of the planet.

Most of the CVA’s media outreach is performed by the Media Team. The team reads & comments on the cannabis-related articles that published on the internet. They explain the CVA’s intention to explore & encourage the implementation of a system of “legally regulated cannabis. . . “

According to its Facebook page, the CVA. . . :

            1) . . . believes cannabis can be used as a highly effective medicine *see Cancer.org, 2) . . .  campaigns that all legal adults should have legal  right to buy & sell small amounts of cannabis for recreational purposes, 3) . . .  takes the viewpoint that one of the most harmful effects of cannabis prohibition is the branding of individuals with criminal records *see also NORMLs stance on decriminalization of cannabis  , & 4) . . . understands that the cannabis plant has incredible industrial potential  *see the status & market potential in the United States.

Prohibition makes no logical sense. It wasn’t based on science or even the fear that the human race can’t govern itself. It was a decision based on someone’s (or a group of some ones) opinion of what’s “right” & “wrong,” & those opinions are generally religiously-motivated. Why would the world (the countries that make up the United Nations) ban a product that they could make so much money if utilized properly? They wouldn’t, if they were open-minded & educated. Groups like the CVA are necessary, so that our world halts making rash decisions before weighing the evidence.

In the United States, it is illegal for one individual to withhold another individual’s medications, but it’s legal for the US government to withhold medication from an entire nation of individuals! This is an outrage & blatant hypocrisy. This type of thing would happen less frequently if organizations like the CVA had a say.

If you’re a loud-mouth, verbally or via keyboard, & desire change, the CVA is looking for more volunteers. For more information, feel free to contact the Cannabis Volunteer Association at:  thecva420@gmail.com or send a personal FB message through https://www.facebook.com/thecva420/info.

Grass Rootz 420, A Review

Grass Rootz 420

1411 West Side Highway

Kelso, WA 98626

http://www.grassrootz420.com

*banner from the Grass Rootz 420 website (I claim no ownership)

Hours of Operation:

Mon-Fri, 10am-8pm

Sat-Sun, 12pm-5pm

Telephone:

360-353-3035

It is discreetly, but ideally located, along the I-5 corridor. As the establishment is in a residential, single family dwelling, it has a down-home “feel.” It lacks the stark, white walls of a doctor’s office & the impersonal touches of today’s HMOs. Every single time I’ve done business, or brought someone else to conduct business, with Grass Rootz 420 in Kelso, WA I’ve been treated with respect & common courtesy. It’s refreshing to enter an establishment, have them remember not only my face, but my name, too. It’s really reminiscent of the part of my childhood that I spent in Oklahoma, when people didn’t lock their doors & everyone was welcome to every picnic. This is a compliment.

With all of the confusion over the laws & policies & whether or not the Federal government has the right to use the Supremacy Law to bully small business owners, this little establishment has hung tough. Apparently, the Cowlitz County Narcotics Task Force, had placed an uncover agent (or two, according to my sources) as a patient(s), & they gathered intel on the “dirty dealings” going on in the establishment. However, I personally believe that the Longview Police Department was out of line. As reported in a recent Daily News article, Cowlitz County’s Prosecuting Attorney, Susan Bauer, stated “that it would have been impractical to prosecute the cases because voters decided last year to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. In addition, she said confusion over laws governing both medical and recreational pot would have further complicated matters.”

*picture provided by the Grass Rootz 420 Facebook page (I claim no ownership)

I was a legally certified medical marijuana patient until November 2013, but I had to let my certification lapse without renewal. On April 6, 2013, I was coerced into signing a paper for The Longview Housing Authority (HUD) that states that “Households actively participating (in Housing Programs) . . .  will have their program assistance and tenancy terminated if there is a preponderance of evidence (if not convicted, termination will still be processed based on evidence) demonstrating the household or member of the household used, possessed, grew, or sold marijuana and/or medical marijuana.” Even though I signed the form with the added “under duress” notation, I won’t purchase marijuana legally under any circumstances. It is because of the dedication & perseverance of Aaron Kightlinger, Kirk Kightlinger, Mandy Henderson, and Steffen Kightlinger, that I will reestablish my business with Grass Rootz 420 as soon as it is legal for me to do so, without fear of retaliation.

*photo courtesy of The Daily News (I claim no ownership)

I’ve left several voicemail messages & one or two Facebook messages, asking someone from the establishment to interview for this article, but no one has been available for comments. I understand this. There are privacy & confidentiality laws, & there are too many people trying to shut down businesses like this one. Just remember that Grass Rootz 420 is a professional business with a down-home feel, and this former (& future patient) highly recommends the medical marijuana community to conduct business with an establishment that has already proven dedication to their patients and THE cause.

Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn

New Study Concludes: Everyone Knows You're Stoned

Have you ever smoked a joint & wondered if everyone knows? Well, according to a video clip from everyone’s favorite news source, The Onion. Dr. Phillip Blanton, PHD, a neurologist from Mass General Hospital, “everyone can smell the marijuana on your breath and on your clothes.” Also, “everyone is laughing at you.” The in-depth report also states that “You are probably about to die, “ and, “you were once a baby, now you’re a criminal.” Thus, you may be laughing too much, & everyone is messing with you. “If you’re young and smoke marijuana, you’ll probably never find a job,” according to Dr. Blanton. “If you’re adult, you’ll probably get fired,” he says. The new research shows that your brain must be broken, & you shouldn't have done this.

That said, since the smell of marijuana lingers long after the original smoke-session, it goes without saying that paper currency will absorb such an aroma. Although the aforementioned was a farce, this is a true account:  As stated in an article, dated October 4, 2013, by Dominic Kelly on the Opposing Views website, a man in Sebastopol, CA was pulled over for speeding. When the police searched his trunk, William David Bush had $47,000 cash in his possession. The authorities suspected that it was drug money, but when the search didn't uncover any actual marijuana they arrested & booked him because of the smell. There was other evidence, like remnants of marijuana scattered throughout the trunk & the floor of the car, but “the odor was so overwhelming that one of the officers said he could smell it from across the road,” said the prosecutor.

And a little bit on the lighter side for conclusion. . .  Recently, there have been rumors that the bears in Yellowstone are living the high life, & one park ranger has evidence of the truth. Anyone that has ever believed in Yogi Bear & Boo-boo know that bears have been lighting up for years! Why do you think they’re always after the pic-i-nic baskets? Munchies, dude! They gots the freaking munchies, man! If the ranger was a marijuana user, he might have wanted to take the quiz that asks, "how long could you survive after kicking a bear in the ba&@s?" That'd given him enough time to grab the spliff for himself. Instead, Tanner Roseheimer reported that he found a bear, sitting on a picnic table bench, smoking a doobie. His supervisor told him that the bear probably got hooked up by a college kid vacationing from Colorado. All of this can be read on The Spoof!

In short, you smell like pot, will probably be high forever, & you might have your stash stolen by park bears that need to be kicked in the huevos. :)

Cowlitz PUD Tries Deny Electricity to Marijuana Businesses

Like so many local city & county governments, the Cowlitz PUD commissioners are proposing to the board members that the company implement a preposterous proposal. The People’s Utility District of Cowlitz County is trying to shut of electrical power to any and all marijuana businesses that don’t meet the state standards. Although, I personally agree that all companies should be required to follow all state & local laws, policies, & guidelines, I disagree that marijuana businesses should be targeted.

A dear friend of mine asked a question after I posted this article on my Facebook wall. She asked, “Did they pull the plug on All-Out Sewer and Drain? Will they quit serving other businesses found to be in violation of state/federal laws? A Daily News search for "department of ecology fines" turned up 100+ results (some duplicates, not all local) so it's worth asking.” I happen to agree that this subject should be broached before the next meeting to be held on *Tuesday, June 24, 2014.

The issue of All-Out Sewer and Drain is a hot topic in my county. Ray Caldwell, the company’s owner, was sentenced to 27 months in prison & fined $250,000 after found “guilty on 33 felony counts related to years of illegally emptying his septic tank pumper trucks into the Longview sewer system in violation of the federal Clean Water Act.” Basically, the final outcome was when the US District Court Judge Benjamin Settle ordered the owner of the company to pay $636,000 for restitution. I pose the question, “why wasn’t this guy’s electricity cut off?” He definitely wasn’t meeting the standards of any government, & yet, he was allowed electricity. If the Cowlitz PUD passes this proposal it’ll just cause pot businesses to go underground again.

What about the meth labs? What about abusive people? What about offenders of violent crimes? What about a restaurant owner getting a DUI in front of his establishment while filming Hotel Hell, with Chef Gordon Ramsey. I mean, really! This guy blatantly drives while intoxicated (not his first offense, BTW), parks in front of The Monticello Hotel, & gets a ticket for DUI. Did the PUD decide to cut off his power as he was in a definite violation of the law? Nope. There are far too many more examples to present, but if you perform a search in almost any search engine, you will find that there are hundreds of cases, in Cowlitz County alone.

Part of me wants to dare them to implement this proposal. Let me explain why. If you give a smoker of marijuana all the pot he/she wants, leave them with only the pot & a lighter with no method of smoking. Do you seriously not know the outcome? Pot heads become engineers when it comes to their marijuana. Now, imagine taking that imagination & initiative on a larger scale. If you take electricity from marijuana businesses, they’ll get creative & join stronger forces to use alternative energy. Are you imagining this on that larger scale, yet? And that’s only the beginning. However, I’ve learned not to dare public officials; they tend to bully till they get their way. I will encourage everyone that agrees that this is wrong to attend the next *meeting at the PUD building.

*The Cowlitz PUD Board of Commissioners meets on the second and fourth Tuesday each month in the John Searing Auditorium at the PUD at 961 12^th Avenue.

My youngest daughter is weird. She has always been weird & will always be weird. She’s never been the “norm,” & she’s never wanted to be anyone but herself. When she was middle school age she wanted to fit in somewhere, but she didn't want to change to belong. I envy her.

I've had major upheavals in my life. As a child, I was tossed from family to family. I’d like to say that it all started when my mom was run down by a drunk driver when I was 7, but that’d be a lie. My natural mother left me with people all the time. Some of them she knew well, & some she only knew through “partying.” See, my mother was an alcoholic & drug addict. I know she smoked pot a lot because she’d call it her “funny” cigarettes, & I knew she drank regularly. There was always beer, wine, & hard alcohol in our many places of residence. I didn't find out about the amphetamine (speed, cocaine, cross-tops, pink hearts, etc.) use until I was a teen & she had been dead for almost a decade. However, drug use would explain her spastic behavior. I’m not dishonoring my mother. She was human. She lacked coping skills, & she self-medicated. This erratic behavior was the cause of her fatality.

I do believe that my mother’s behavior was inherited. Her paternal grandmother was for all intents & purposes bipolar (or even undiagnosed ADHD). Although, I wouldn't say the abusive behavior was inherited, the sporadic highs & lows & distractibility were definitely there. Her IQ, like that of some of her siblings, was high. She would have been called a “genius” if anyone had taken the time to test her. She was creative & imaginative. She didn’t fit the female roles of her day. Her older sibling is also highly intelligent, but unlike my mother, my aunt had a brain for numbers & scholarly learning. Like almost all families, the second child was the exact opposite as the first.

My mom was the black sheep, which is ironic. Out of a family of six siblings (all girls), five of them had dark, straight hair with dark eyes. My mother was white from head to toe. She had white hair that turned golden blond then a dark blond by the time she died. My mother even looked like she didn't belong. It must have been hard for her to be such a free spirit in a family that strived for academic success. While her other siblings excelled in school, my mother struggled. One of her teachers even told my maternal grandmother that my mother was smart enough to get things done, but she was so intelligent that she was bored. If a subject didn’t interest her then she didn’t see the point in making an effort (I must have got that from her because I still feel that way).

My mother was an advocate. When someone told her that black people were lesser forms of life, my mother purposefully sought out black folks to be friends with. Any time my mother was told “no,” or was restricted from anything she’d do it just to prove that “yes” she could. For an example, someone told my mother that she shouldn’t let me hang out with black children, my mom packed me up that next Sunday & took me to an all black church. Man, I loved watching her cut into the KKK when we lived in Oklahoma. She was a spitfire. She also protested one of the major highways in California. I remember being so incredibly bored, but my mom made everything fun. We used that time to practice for my fashion shows. Yes, I was a toddler in a tiara before there were pseudo-reality shows. I was a pretty cute kid when I was all cleaned up & talented, too. My mother was passionate. She didn't do anything with a humdrum attitude. She went barreling like the bulls in Pamplona. She NEVER tolerated bullying, even though one sister claims she was a bully. I think that was because she didn't want to “behave,” though. She also has one sister that claims that she was the best of all the rest of their siblings, so I guess it’s a matter of perspective.

Then, there was me. I was tossed around like a hot potato. No one wanted me or they couldn’t handle me for very long. I was a messed up kid. I had been molested by people that were supposed to be my family, & eventually I was raped before the age of ten. I didn't fit in at school because I couldn't make connections. I was weird, & I cried all the time. I wasn't needed anywhere, nor was I wanted. Hell, I didn't even want to be around me. I was ridiculed by my classmates throughout elementary (K-5) & punished by my teachers. There were three teachers during that time of my life that kept me from killing myself in my young teen years. Their words & encouragement kept me alive. I want to thank Mr. Stan Riedesel, 2^nd grade, Columbia Valley Gardens (CVG), Mrs. Botten, 3^rd grade CVG, & Mr. Minium, 4^th grade Northlake Elementary School.

My experience at Cascade Middle School was unbearable. I was kicked, pinched, shoved down the stairs, called names, & berated by my peers. I was sexually assaulted in one of my classes every time a film was played. I tried to tell Mrs. Hooker, but she told me that I was making too much out of “harmless” fun. It was a horrible school full of horrible people. I don’t mind naming names, by the by.

I fared relatively well in California for my last year in middle school & my freshman year in high school. When I first attended Paulding Middle School in Arroyo Grande, CA, I was hanging out with the popular crowd. All the girls were jealous of my affiliation with a rowdy motorcycle club, & they all wanted a ride on my stepdad’s bad ass Harley. However, in a manner that’d make my natural mother shit her pants with pride if she wasn't already sliding down the hill she’s buried in, I made enemies quickly. I got on the school bus one morning & was heading to a seat with “my crowd” when I was taken aback. One of my new “friends” called someone an elephant because she was big. I thought that it was mean. I told her to “shut the fuck up.” She told me that if I liked her so much that I could sit with her, then. So, I asked the girl if I could sit with her. She looked up at me with the biggest & bluest eyes I’d ever seen looking back at me (see, my eyes were blue like that before they turned green). Hence, my popularity transformed to infamy.

I've never been able to handle bullying. When my dad would beat our cocker spaniel, I’d cringe. When a classmate was beating his horse, I called the police. When I saw my aunt lay hands on her two-year old, I reported it to Children’s Services. I can’t handle people being mean to someone or something that can’t defend themselves. I've been beat up for defending people that I felt needed the support. I've kicked a few asses, too, if I do say so myself. I've lost friendships because I can’t handle the way they treat their animals or children. I've created drama when there needn't be drama simply because I've acted on my gut & not my head. As an adult with a level head, I know that violence is NEVER the answer, but as a kid I was a rebel with a cause.

Needless to say, I was weird. I didn’t fit. No matter how much I wanted it or tried to conform I simply didn't fit. Folks thought I was broken. I was taken to shrink after shrink, & I was able to manipulate almost all of them into thinking that I didn't need their services. I now know that I desperately need a psychologist, & I am honest with her. When I first met her I told her that if she was easily manipulated then she couldn’t be my therapist. The ability to manipulate isn't necessarily one that I’m proud of, but it has its own functionality. I will tell folks to abstain from teaching children how to lie. I had a parent that claimed he could tell if I was lying simply by looking into my eyes. I got a whipping whether I told the truth or not. He ALWAYS said I was lying. So, I got good at looking people in the eye & lying my ass off. Please believe your children, even if they’ve a history of lying & story-telling. Believe them.

My youngest daughter has followed in my footsteps. She is very much like me, my mother, & her paternal grandmother before her. She is quirky & nerdy, & I love her. She has endured similar experiences with her classmates. She has been bullied, harassed, & tormented, & still she faces the world.

Fox’s Television Series, Bones, Introduces the Issue of Medicinal Marijuana

“The High in the Low” episode of Bones is breaking new ground. Leave it to the FOX Broadcasting Company to put the spotlight on the controversial subject of marijuana use.

Bones usually opens with a crime scene or a little something that leads to a crime scene. Although this episode’s opening was thrilling & grotesque in true Bones style, the murder investigation isn't the story of interest here. Too, the interpersonal relationship betwixt the two main characters, Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan & Special Agent Seeley Booth is also true to form:  superlative! They have a strong, although awkward relationship that’s strong & authentic. Alas, I digress.

A recurring character on the series had developed Ewing's sarcoma, a deadly type of bone cancer, previously this season, & they bring the character (TC) back in this episode, aptly titled “The High in the Low.” When TC returns to the Jeffersonian laboratory after rigorous chemotherapy & other aggressive treatments, it becomes known that marijuana played/is playing a major role in the recovery process.

As the information scuttlebutts its way about the lab in one form of communication or another, all of the co-workers are open-minded & accepting. Some of the fellow lab crew members even say they’d be doing the same thing if the tables were turned. It goes without saying that Dr. Brennan took the objective, scientific stance, but I’ll leave that for the viewer to experience. TC explained how cannabis helped with the nausea & pain caused by the cancer treatments. Each character handled the issue with their own style as I've become accustom, & they all supported TC’s choice to use medical marijuana.

TC was conflicted but didn't want to lie to the boss lady, Cam, so TC came right out with it. As marijuana is a Schedule I drug in the eyes of the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), it is without question a federally illegal drug. That said, Cam fired TC on the spot & without hesitation.

The initial murder investigation discusses the difference betwixt delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) & cannabidiol (CBD) & the medical research. For me, a self-made, self-taught connoisseur of Mary Jane, this was a very interesting television program. I watch Bones of my own accord, & this particular episode now holds a special place in my heart. I want to commend Emily Deschanel & all of the staff, crew, & cast of Bones along with the Fox Broadcasting Company for handling the marijuana debate in the United States with compassion, scientific evidence, personal ideals & beliefs. It covered the legal issues & how they affect the individuals that need medicinal marijuana.

Individuals that have been diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder, like Fibromyalgia, find relief using marijuana.

There are days that I wish I owned a bed that is off the floor because it certainly is easier to stand from an upright, sitting position as than trying to get off of the floor. However, being on the ground certainly makes it easier to fall since I’m already on the floor. . . Sometimes, I lay face down in the rental unit’s nasty ass carpet & pray for the pain to pass so that I might go about my day. It is during those times that I am truly grateful for the use of my limbs, toes, & fingers. When I take #mmj, I experience fewer of these days. 

In 2004, I was diagnosed with Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PR) & had been experiencing the symptoms for several years prior. By 2006, I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, & Fibromyalgia too. Long story short. . . I’m in chronic pain. Some days the pain is more acute than others. Some days it’s a dull &/or a throbbing stiffness. My physician & the specialist assigned to me started prescribing pills for me, & I gave each one of them a fair trial period. However, the pain medications made me ill: upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, hot/cold sweats, & sometimes itchy skin. The anti-inflammatory prescriptions helped during a flare up, but not for everyday use. This was no way to live.

I would periodically smoke pot with friends before it became legal in my home state, Washington. I noticed that I had more range of motion when getting “high” (partaking). I also noticed that the spasms in my hips would subside. In my opinion, marijuana is a magical herb. It has elevated my depression to discovering my desire not to be sad & sometimes actually feeling happy. Marijuana has also lessened my chronic pain, in turn, relieving the nausea caused by physical pain. It’s rather pleasant to consume food without fearing its reversal.

Muscle relaxing medications have worked to lessen my muscle spasms, but they leave me feeling groggy. I’m not particularly fond of walking around in real fog, so having it linger in my head for more than half the day is truly annoying. I can take a few puffs off of a smoking device about 10 minutes before bedtime or eat a small portion of pot-infused edibles about an hour before, & I can fall asleep w/o a cramp. If I happen to wake up still feeling the effects of the marijuana a cup of black pekoe tea, Earl Grey, or English Breakfast will kill any remaining “stone-over.” In my experience, there are little-to-no ill-effects from marijuana.

From the information I've gathered, it’s entirely plausible that marijuana possesses medical properties humans haven’t considered, yet. How do I know this? Because there have been no documented animal, insect, & other plant interactions with the varying strains of marijuana in each of their natural habitats. We learn more through observation, especially when it comes to vegetation & whether or not it’s edible or contains medical qualities. 

"Mary Did You Know?" Kathy Mattea - captioned - ORIGINAL UPLOAD

Make VH1 Withdraw Their Bully-Promoting Anti-Bullying Ad

According to creativity-online.com, "VH1 targets all the bullies in the world with this hilarious global effort. . .  The gorgeous, cinematic musical short stars a bunch of school-age misfits and geeks being tortured and brutalized by their mean-spirited peers. But in the long-run, the victims know the tables will turn dramatically.

However, www.businessinsider.com, makes the claim that ". . . the video's message of empowerment is similar to that of the "It Gets Better" campaign that encourages LGBTQ youth not to let their tormentors get the better of them. But while those ads acknowledge the misery of being bullied, VH1's video seems to make light of the situation as something children will look back on and laugh about when they're older.

As a "survivor" of school, home, work, church bullies, I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was consumed with panic as I watched this ad. There was NOTHING funny about it. It's just sad & scary. To make light of the emotional stress & psychological damage the victims experience isn't acceptable, so I am asking you to sign my petition to make VH1 withdraw the ad. It will cause more damamge than it will help.

Simply click the link & sign the petition. If you're already a member of the care2.com network, I will give you a green star.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/788/098/704/make-vh1-withdraw-their-bully-promoting-anti-bullying-ad/

True Facts About The Fruit Bat

happy national bat appreciation day!