SHAZBOT! The Tears of a Clown, When There's No One Around

I heard that a monumental part of my life ended his own yesterday, & I don’t know how to process it. At first, I was angry at Mr. Robin Williams for taking himself away from me. Then, I was sad that we lost such a talent. Next, I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. He is gone & at his own hand. Then, it hit me. If depression can take the greatest impersonator & improvisationalist since Jonathan Winters, then how can I survive it?

When Mork made his first appearance on the hit television program Happy Days (“My Favorite Orkan” Season 5, Episode 22, airing February 28, 1978), I fell hopelessly in love. According to George Carlin (& the FCC), there were seven words that you couldn’t say on television in the 1970s, so Robin Williams invented a swear word that he could use while on set. “Shazbot” has become synonymous with nerd swearing since the early 1980s. As I was a misfit with confusions about the American customs & socially accepted behavior, Mork became quite a hero to me. I was only seven years old at the time & had lost my mother just before Christmas the previous year, but I remember it vividly. Richie met Mork, & not a soul believed that he met an actual space man from outer space.

photo courtesy of ABC

I spent most of my childhood sneaking to watch Mr. Williams whenever he had an HBO special or was featured on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He was so taboo. Like George Carlin, Robin Williams wasn’t intended for young children, but I had a taste for funny that wouldn’t subside. As a teen & a young adult, I was fascinated with his sets concerning sex. The man was erotic. He wasn’t sexy in the worldly sense, but he was all man to me. I would fantasize about being on the receiving end of his “pack a lunch & stay for the day” set & get tingly. I used to fanaticize about him calling me on stage for one of his improv sessions. I’d fantasize about presenting a lifetime achievement award to him at the Oscars. I never fanaticized about being his wife, though. I couldn’t have handled it, not even in my fantasies. I was attracted to/am still attracted to rule-breakers with a message. Mr. Williams did both break the rules & had a message. I’m trying to understand why Robin William’s death is so tragic to me when George Carlin’s passing came as no real surprise. Perhaps it was because Mr. Carlin, although a devout atheist, had an inner peace that kept him motivated, or mayhaps I relate more with Mr. Williams as I, too, have a devout faith in God & have been diagnosed with depression.

Like me, Mr. Williams was an only child. Unlike me, he grew up with money. Like me, he was considered fat, so no other children would play with him. Like me, he was ridiculed for his weight & his lack of model-esque looks. Also, like me, throughout his lifetime Mr. Williams struggled with depression. Like me, he has contemplated suicide for years, like when he talks his way through possible suicidal thoughts with his “therapist” while being interviewed for a podcast, Marc Maron’s WTF. He tried self-medicating with drugs & alcohol. He gave up the dope, & became an Academy Award-Winning Actor. As the quintessential comedian, he was hiding his own sadness with his ability to make others laugh, & I envy him for that.

photo courtesy of ABC

Depression isn’t logical & is far from prejudice. It affects people in every walk of life & can be debilitating. Some forms of depression are like a dull ache that the afflicted can’t shake, but for those like me it can come in ebbs & flows. Then, there are others that are completely consumed by the darkness & self-hatred. There is no light when you’re in the midst of a depressed episode & kind words of support mean nothing to the darkness. However, cruel words have the power to plunder the sufferer further into the black. Frankly, the darkness is all there was, is, & all that will ever be.

It’s really a blessing that Robin was already dead when Fox Representative, Shepard Smith called him a coward for killing himself because that would have sent Mr. Williams spiraling even further downward. Since depression may be hereditary, maybe this Fox rep should’ve taken this into consideration before “processing” his own emotions publicly. Reporters are to be professional & objective. What if a person close to Mr. Williams heard that & it affected them? Oh! yeah, Shepard Smith has since “apologized” with a back-door tactic. “In his apology, Smith claims he was simply ‘wondering aloud’ what could have made Williams want to take his life. ‘But no matter how you process it: Look at what this family is going through,’” according to Slate.com. Whether or not he said it or whether or not he apologized is irrelevant. It’s because of people like Mr. Smith that talking openly about suicide is so difficult. How does one express the desire to end the pain when all they hear from others is that they are selfish & cowardly?

Although living with depression is a challenge, being a friend to someone with depression is even more difficult, in my opinion. I’d have a difficult time trying to be my friend, that’s for sure! Sometimes it can feel like your efforts go unappreciated & non-reciprocated, & they are (at least while the friend is consumed by the darkness, void, sadness, grief. . . ). My friends that are still there when I emerge from broken are tremendous, & as the friend to many with different forms of depression I am even more blessed. The most challenging friendships are the ones that involve depression or another form of mental illness. Maybe that’s why Jesus tells me to love without thought for myself as those that need the love aren't capable of reciprocating in the moment? There’s a truth I didn't need revealed right here for everyone to read. Did you know that self-truths tend to pop up when one is writing a blog? Why not? It’s a form of journaling, right?

As an active Psychology patient, I am asked regularly if I’ve had thoughts of suicide, & the honest answer is a resounding, “Yes!.” Life sucks. It’s too hard. So, yes, suicide has been on my brain periodically since I was a small child. I tried to commit suicide when I was 14. There was a boy that I loved with all of my being, & he wouldn’t even flash a smile my way. I went to my foster parents’ bathroom & took every pill that was in the medicine cabinet. Long story short & a dosage of Ipecac later, my ears rang for almost 2 weeks, & I threw up a lot. I also contemplated killing myself so much when I was 15, several of my friends called the police to check on me while I was living with my maternal grandmother. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was serious about it being the only way that I could ever be happy. I hadn’t contemplated suicide for many years after that as my faith discourages killing anyone, including me, but a few years ago I pondered the thoughts again. However, that time, I didn’t have any guilty feelings as I contemplated & made extensive plans & ways to execute them. I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I was playing out the scenarios in my head, & I’m pretty certain that I posted such thoughts on my Facebook profile.

There was a time in my life, like my entire growing up & even up until a few years ago when I thought the same thing. People that commit suicide are cowards & selfish. However, while unlearning all the societal & religious dogma I’ve come to realize that my thoughts & feelings about depression & suicide weren’t my own. They belonged to everyone else. After careful thought, as mentioned previously, I discovered that I, personally, had no judgments regarding suicide or depression.

Down to the core, Robin Williams was more like the character (real person) he portrayed in Patch Adams. According to the Internet and Movie Data Base, “One week after Christopher Reeve's tragic horse-riding accident, Robin visited him in the hospital. However, he was dressed from head to toe in scrubs, spoke with a Russian accent, and had a surgical mask on. He was acting as if he was a real doctor and did a bunch of wacky antics. After he took off his mask, Reeve stated that, ‘That was the first time he laughed since the accident!’". Mr. Williams was so lost and alone inside his own head that he did everything to make others laugh in order to feel better himself. I believe he knew that as long as there was laughter there was life, & I also know in my heart that he also knew that when the laughter stops there is nothing. Robin was lost in the nothing & he didn’t want to, or couldn’t, come back to the laughter.

Robin Williams’ wife, Susan Schneider said, "This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin's family, we are asking for privacy during our tie of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin's death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.” I can’t do that today. It’s too soon. To ignore his tragic death is to hide suicide & its tendencies. There is no shame in depression or wanting to give up.

Mr. Williams was brilliant & lonely. As a child, he was left to play by his lonesome & didn’t make any real connections with anyone, so as an adult he couldn’t make those connections because he lacked the skills. He surrounded himself with people that loved him & that he loved, so he had all of the support anyone could ask for, but he had depression. He was alone, & he was scared. On August 11, 2014 depression won a battle, & I don’t want to see it win anymore.

**PLEASE, TAKE SUICIDE SERIOUSLY**

In an open statement regarding the passing of Mr. Robin Williams, the AFSP expressed condolences & a plea:  “He brought laughter into every life he touched; Robin also suffered from depression.  It is our hope that we are able to have an open conversation that depression and addictions are real illnesses that can sometimes be fatal.  Every 13 minutes someone dies from suicide, and it is among the top ten causes of death in the US.” You may read the statement in its entirety here.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Institute of Mental Health  1-866-615-6464 

SHUT THE HELL UP & CONFORM ALREADY?

“Why don’t you stop that?” “Why do you say things that insult people?” “Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut?” These are questions that I've heard my entire life, & I may be starting to form clear & thoughtful answers. Some of which incite even more questions, but those are more for my benefit not my demise, like the ones quoted previously.

As a very young child, I remember seeing an adult take something off the shelf in the Piggly-Wiggly & immediately telling my mother. She went directly to the store owner & somehow, the criminal was in the back of a police car when we finished shopping. My mother was a spitfire. She never took any grief from anyone, especially men. If my mom saw something that wasn't ethical (the law didn't matter to her, but she held tight to her ethics) she wouldn't just complain about it. My mom always did something about it.

This trait has always been a curse for me as far as “fitting” in is concerned. In school, I couldn't put up with someone being accused of something that I know they didn't do (sometimes because I was the one that did it). I co-staged a sit-in when a friend of mine was accused of calling in a bomb threat (I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement in or knowledge of others’ involvement in such an activity).

I've lost people that I was close to because I can’t handle injustices, no matter how small. While living in Depew, Oklahoma as a 4 year old, I witnessed a neighbor beating his horse with a switch. I told my mother, & she high-tailed it outside after demanding that I stay inside, which I never did. I then told my stepdad’s father what was going on & he hollered for the wife to grab up his shotgun because Eileen had taken up another cause. My granddad was crippled from the waist down, so we got everything outside & ready for him before he got out there. My mom was already face to face with the boy, & the grandmom handed me a pair of binoculars. I saw my mom grab the whip & start hitting the neighbor with it. He ran off, & my mom marched back. I’m certain there was backlash, but they didn't fill me in. Like I said, my mom was a spitfire.

I can’t listen to babies cry when I can so easily fill that need, so going to any public market place is terrifying. There have been times that a parent has hit a child in front of me & I've reacted:  sometimes violently (I probably should have been arrested for it one of the times) & sometimes verbally. Generally, I march right up to the abuser & tell them that I hope that someone that is as big as a Buick does the same thing to them (the abuser). My go-to comment is, “Man, if you did that to an adult, you’d do 2 years with a mandatory 1 year of probation.” If it seems like a volatile situation (like the kid will get into more trouble), I simply call the police or my local Children’s Protective Services Office. I've been known to block these people in a parking space & wait for the police to arrive.

When I was working at the local Southwest Washington family YMCA, my ethics sensors set off alarms like you wouldn't believe. TOO MANY THINGS TO TRY TO IGNORE!!!!! It was a den of lies, deceit, manipulation, & control. Injustices & law breaking galore gave me instant sensory overload. Twice per month, on the 5^th & 15^th, I had to have my pay check readjusted because there was, more often than not, a “mistake.” I repeatedly told my direct supervisor & the CEO/President that it was nearly impossible to make mistakes every single payday! Needless to say, I was terminated on August 11, 2008 because the CEO/President wasn't following policy & tried to deny my Unemployment Claim under the guise of “employee misconduct (which was later changed by the judge representing unemployment).” The judge said that the CEO/President was the one that was exhibiting the misconduct & I was awarded my unemployment compensation. The Financial Director was fired in December 2012 for embezzling over $180, 000, according to an article on The Daily News’ website, dated February 27, 2013.

When I was asked by two investigators if I thought the CEO/President was involved my answer was very honest. After a few moments of careful thought on my part & an awkward silence from the investigators, I told them that “I don’t think he was smart enough to have pulled it off, but he did do things that were questionable.” For example, during my orientation workshop all he did was talk about how he & his wife had three little girls & he still wanted a boy. Apparently, she begrudged him having a boy, according to the orientation presentation. I thought this was inappropriate at work. Also, during my employ, the CEO/President had told me that he only hired people from his alma mater, Washington State University. This was, in fact, the case. The only people that he personally hired, without the aid of his subordinate supervisors, were in fact former Cougar students. It was very apparent when he hired his Administrative Assistant. She would post signs & send out letters that were misspelled, full of typos, & misinformation. There were many complaints from the members that the signs looked like a child a made them. I was the only one that spoke against him, so I was terminated. It might not have made me so determined if the behavior wasn't blanketed with Christianity. . .  but, I’ve gotten my dander up with folks that claim no religion, too.

Again, why don’t I stop my disruptive behavior? That’s simple. To stand idly by would cause me physical illness, & I seem to remember an ambassador for peace by the name of Jesus Christ getting righteously angry when folks were using his Father’s place of worship for ill-gotten gains. Mostly, however, it’s because I am Moitle, & I speak for those without a voice & uncover darkness that tries to hide in my light.