WRITERS' BLOCK

I really don’t know what I’m going to write about today, but I feel the need to express myself.

okay, this really sucks. I have been wandering throughout my apartment today. I might as well call it pacing as it’s only a 2-bedroom flat. As I’ve been pacing through,my place today I’ve been talking out loud & making all kinds of sense, like I do when no one’s listening. I told myself that I should be recording this or writing it, like I always do. This time, however, I listened. 

My arms & shoulders get far too sore for a lot of writing anymore, so I stick with switching off typing a bit at a time. I also have voice recognition software that I like to use when my muscles decide to scream. I have Polymyalgia Rheumatica AND Fibromyalgia, so there are a lot of things that take a great deal of energy. SQUIRREL! I got my laptop out & was ready to record some awesome things from me brain. 

nothing. Not a damn thing.

Blinky cursor on the laptop screen. Blinky, red light on the camera. Steady green light on the audio recording device.

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

WTF? I am a decent writer, story teller, & poet; where does it go when I deliberately want to say some words of wisdom?

I wish I were brave.

I wish I was able to leave my flat without fear (I have what I hope will be a temporary bout with agoraphobia—that’s another story for another time & place). I’m not so much afraid of people or even being hurt by people (I’ve been through so much that I can’t much care about that part of my anxiety), as I am about my reactions to people being stupid &/or mean. I know what I am capable of, out of love, lust, & hate. For some innate reason I cannot keep shit to myself when I see mistreatment of animals, children, vulnerable adults, & the list goes on for freaking ever!!! I also cannot bite my tongue (why should I harm my tongue for your sake anyway?) when I see, hear, or experience racism, even though on many levels I am just as guilty as the next person. . .  hypocrite? Yes. but aren’t we all to some extend. The behaviors that bother us in others are usually the ones we refuse to see in ourselves. I see mine, & I can accept it. Sometimes it takes a minute, but I claim ownership for my shit. Whether I want acknowledgement of my good or I must make right an evil, I will eventually own it all.

Well, hell. That’s not even close to the “Tracey Gs Soapbox Schooling.” That’s more like "Moitle’s Melee Madness."

Christ! I’ll bet if I walk away a thought bubble will appear.

Times like this I wish I had a muse.

the privy!

There’s a plan, eh? Every writer & inventor knows that Ralph Waldo Emerson had it right when he sad that the grandest of thoughts tend to only come when one is in the outdoor privy or the indoor water closet (paraphrased from one of his journal entries that I read in my college days).

I may, or I may not be back.

End transmittal.

Boy Gets His "Make a Wish" & Helps Others Get Theirs, Too

While on Facebook yesterday, I saw my friend, Marie Givogue-Harty, post these pictures:  

I made the comment that most of them are real bikes, too (cuz I'm a Harley fan!). Meanwhile, the bikes were headed to an ice cream shop that I am very familiar with, Doc Bernsein's Ice Cream Lab from when I lived in San Luis Obispo County.

Although I am disheartened that the media chose not to talk

about how the boy got to the parlor, I'm so glad that the media

focused on the star of this show, a little boy named Matthew. Here 

is the video that the Make-A-Wish® Tri-Counties posted on 

their YouTube channel yesterday:

It was rather exciting yesterday to check my Facebook every couple of hours just to see this story. I stated that "they need to make sure there's a write up in the paper. bikers have such bad reps w/the media." I'm sorry to say that I have yet to find the group of bikers in any of the news stories, but that's kind of how they do it. They are angels. They take no credit.

Dear Stephen King

i just posted this to Mr. Stephen King's Facebook page:

you wanna know something, mr. king? ima tell you anyway. . .  i appreciate that i am old enough to remember having to write at a typewriter. i also remember having to manually print things on paper with things called pens & pencils (which i still do when i get a block of some kind--nothing "feels" better than expressing the feelings of writing as my heart/head flow down through my arms & out of my fingertips!!!-- it's like a magickal wand).

but, i am more appreciative of the keyboard, the laptop, the smartphone, & any audio device because of the aforementioned. i see young people today just clicking & keyboarding away. ..  publishing things online all by themselves w/o the annoyance & self-hatred rejection letters bring, & i think to myself that no one really has to suffer for the art anymore.

part of me is saddened by this. i can look back over my work & see where i was struggling in my life. i can look at your work & tell when you were happy, sad, angry, or even struggling with your demons (real, imaginary is all relative. . . they're all real in my opinion). will the authors of tomorrow really have to work for it? or will it all be simply regurgitation from the blood, sweat, & tears of authors from the past?

when i get blocked, your book "On Writing" calls to me. i have read it at least 37 times to date. i started ticking it when i bought my first copy. i am now on the 3rd paperback copy. . .  but i've transferred the tick marks. i reference it to others all the time. in short, thank you for being you, being real, being raw, being authentic. . .  you've inspired me like no other author, EVER!

ps:  The Thing of Evil is my fav thing online right now.

I AM Loved, & Love is the Name of my God.

Come sit down beside me
I AM said to myself
And although it didn’t make sense 
I held my own hand
As a small sign of trust
I sat together, with I AM.
Amongst my god, the angels,
The faeries, nymphs, & sprites.
Communin’ with Christ, in me, did I.
Perceivin’ how minuscule I AM in the body
Knowin’ the power of the
White blood cell and antibody.
So, I sat down beside me
And I trusted I AM.

~Tracey G, a.k.a, Moitle {March 20, 2016, Spring Equinox (Ostara)}

Sports Go Sports by Garfunkel and Oates

The Kody Brown Family--Sister Wives

I have always wanted to be part of something bigger than me, but I don’t do people well. That can be taken on several levels. Those that know me well will understand, but for those that don’t, please take it on any level that suits you.

In 2010, I started watching a reality show called Sister Wives & fell so in love with their story. I couldn’t believe that the American people were so prejudice against people wanting to follow what their god had called them to do. All injustice infuriates me, but persecution of human beings really makes me want to become The Incredible Hulk on their asses. To be fair, I am not under the delusion that I fell in love with Kody as a man, nor am I attracted to any of his wives. It’s the journey. I’ve laughed with them, cried with them, cringed with them, & rejoiced & celebrated with them. I pray for them regularly, as God lays them on my heart. I was, & still am, in love with the familial bond.

The Brown Family has caused me to question my own calling. I was raised to believe that white is right, & even as a small child I knew in my very soul that it was wrong (my natural mother was the one that really instilled this in me as she rebelled against her own family’s racists views). I also believed that a marriage was betwixt one man & one woman, once a cheater always a cheater, & homosexuality is an abomination to god (in the old testament, this in fact a truth Leviticus 18:22 KJV, but the new testament doesn’t mention it at all). There are so many restrictions in the Old Testament, but I know I live under Christ. I refuse to be drenched in religious dogma any longer.

Christ didn’t come to earth to change the law but to add to it & fulfill it. Most of the Old Testament laws were created by man. God’s laws are different, if one chooses to believe Paul’s teachings. I believe every single word that came out of Christ’s mouth, whether from the bible or The Gospel of St. Thomas. St. Thomas was Jesus’ scribe, & his gospel contains quotes from Jesus & his interactions with his disciples. It contains the stuff that Constantine & King James didn’t want the people to know—like the true power that resides in every single one of us!

The Brown’s have also caused me to question the LDS & the FLDS. If Joseph Smith was a prophet of god, then how can one sect believe in polygamy & the other not at all? FEAR!

In my opinion, Kody Brown is a prophet of God. He has a firm belief in Christ, & he’s shedding light on that which was forcibly shoved into darkness (which opened the door for evil). Hiding who you are will make you a victim. That’s how many polygamists were/are able to hurt their children & oppress their wives. The truth will set you free (as long as you’re not harming others), & I relish it when the Brown’s express their freedom.

For me, I choose to be single, & it works for me. The Brown’s chose polygamy, & it works for them. There are so many people that claim to be monogamous, but are they? Really? The divorce amongst one partner couples is outrageous, & once divorced & remarried one cannot claim monogamy. Afterall, monogamy means one partner for the rest of your life. Divorce causes instability for the children, so who’s to say that one is wrong? There seems to be a lot of finger-pointing & not enough ownership of one’s own self. It’s so ridiculous.

There was an episode that included a fortune teller, by the name of Mystic Mona, & I honestly think that there were a few errors in her predictions. Maybe because I know that one should cleanse the Tarot cards in between each person that one reads. Albeit her predictions seemed fairly accurate, I think that the people got jumbled. For example, when Mystic Mona said that Meri needed to be watchful because of illness amongst the children, I honestly think that she was reading Christine. Afterall, Truley (Christine’s daughter) almost died from dehydration & acute kidney failure not long after the reading. I do think that Mystic Mona was spot-on accurate when she predicted a fifth wife for Kody. I had felt that premonition when I started watching the show. If he has decided not to take a fifth wife, does that mean that he is closing himself to the possibility? It’d be disheartening if he shut himself off from hearing what God may be trying to say.

I used to also believe that noone could see Christ again until after physical death. Thanks to my youngest daughter, I now believe that Christ will show himself to people during & after a spiritual transformation. Also, as I am not God (only part of the collective body), I cannot judge others’ experience. If the prophets’ testimonies corroborate Christ’s message, then I can only accept them. That is, until I’m led down another path or I uncover a new truth.

The Brown’s have a fairly strict modesty policy regarding clothing, & for them it works. Personally, I could care less about clothing. In fact, the fewer clothes I wear, the happier I am. As a parent, I agree that if we want our children to behave a certain way or dress in a particular fashion then we should set the example. For me, I let my children run around nude until other people started telling them that it was “weird.”

As I am a human being, I have my own unique opinions, just like everyone else. So, here’s my take on the Kody Brown family:

Kody:  Such a handsome fella. He seems to want to show the positive side to living in a plural marriage. I also believe he is a prophet of God. I don’t practice Mormonism, but I can appreciate a prophet of God.

Meri:  A perfectionist. She has a passion for entertaining. She wants to grow as an individual, & I admire her for going back to school.

Janelle:  Her weight loss & personal journey inspires me. She is all about the numbers. Sensible & business-minded. Starting to make her voice heard.

Christine:  The princess. She loves deeply & has a strong calling to stay at home with the children. She has forgiven her mother but holds a grudge over a comment made by a friend of Kody’s. She confuses me. Great at presentations.

Robyn:  Emotional. She feels deeply. Everything about her is “all in” or “all out.” I’m praying that as she finds her niche in the family that she will see that everything changes. She is a peacemaker.

I can relate to all five parents. However, I’ve had personal “experiences” via the show with Kody, Meri, Janelle, Christine. Weight loss, personal & spiritual growth, a miscarriage, & nearly losing a child hit my heart deeply.

I don’t know why I can’t warm up to Robyn, but I know that it’s something in me, not necessarily a fault in her. From what I’ve witnessed, she tries to make peace betwixt Kody and the other wives. It is my personal opinion that she should stay out of Kody’s relationships with his other wives, especially Meri. I think she feels the need to fix everything so that her world won’t be chaotic. Aha! Maybe that’s it! I used to try to fix everything, so that I could be at peace. Maybe I resent that part of me a little. That could be transferring to my thoughts on Robyn. Unlike me, she has an idealistic view on how love & family should work. Her presentation on love & chastity moved me. I don’t have the same ideas about sex, but I identify deeply with her struggles to make her past right. It can make a person feel like a complete failure in the eyes of God & man. I keep trying to like Robyn, & I pray that God will soften me soon as I’m not fond of the feeling I get when I can’t connect. The fact that I only know her from televisions makes it worse.

Some days I want to be the grandmother in a polygamist family, like Annie. Other days, I like my freedom so much that the very thought of being tied down makes me as frightened as a cornered animal.

For me, monogamy is a setup for failure. Polygamy is too much commitment. Although I relish solidarity, it isn’t an option as I need people. Even Jesus had his companions.

I will continue to watch this family grow as long as they’re still on the tellie.

In conclusion, I am in a stasis state. It seems only logical for me to make only the decisions that are in my NOW & near future.

Today, I am a Loser

Frazzled

Restless

Angry

Gnawing

Menagerie

Enraged

Negativity

Tested

Exasperation

Depressed

My thoughts are fragmented. There’s just so much. Too much. It seems my life has always been hampered by others, & I can’t seem to open the lid, release the building combustion, & fly free. In my soul I know that I am at peace, but my negative self-talk & the voices of others keeps shutting the hamper lid & shitting atop it.

My faith in god & Christ in me is rock solid, & that NEVER seems to waiver (as if my soul knows the truth). However, I have no faith in me & most other people.

I’ve been feeling very volatile lately. I want to release the raging bitch that I stifle yet continues to boil. It would feel so good to tell everyone that frustrates me to FUCK OFF!

I’m feeling like a complete loser. I didn’t finish high school. I got my GED (general education diploma), but that doesn’t feel like a milestone. Passing a GED exam for someone with my intelligence is like goodie-two-shoes passing a urinalysis drug screening. I never finished college. I have difficulty obtaining & retaining employment because my quest for justice surpasses my ability to conform & stand idly by.

I am so tired of being poverty-stricken , but am I tired enough to kowtow? I want to make money from home, but most of the offered home business opportunities are scams. I want to move closer to the comedy clubs to surround others like me. I want to perform, but I have such a fear of rejection that I never do it anymore. However, I don’t want to move away from my grandchildren. They are my heart.

There are times (SHH! DON’T TELL ANYONE) that I just want someone to take care of me financially because independence sucks. These times are VERY few & far between, but they do surface occasionally.

As soon as I see a ray of hope, my past rears up. It was diagnosed as PTSD. I am a survivor of physical, psychological, sexual, & ritualistic abuse, but I want to do more than simply survive. I want to live. I don’t know how to do it without compromising who I am, & that leaves me feeling like a loser.

My hope for me is peace, love, & happiness. . .

December 25: Just Another Day

I've been struggling with doing things for myself my entire life. I don't mean bathing, eating, paying bills, & other personal care. What I'm talking about is setting my personal boundaries.

I've always been the first one to volunteer for non-profit projects or organizations, personal care providing, & childcare along with light house keeping. I used to volunteer to help people just because they were my friends, & I will continue to do so because being kind to others just makes my heart feel good. However, there was a time in my recent past that I would bite off more than I could chew. That caused me to get burned out, then I'd quit, thereby creating a sense of guilt that I should be doing more for others  & not focus on my own "selfish" needs. I wasn't raised Catholic, but I had the guilt associated with the stereotype.

It started with saying "no" to watching my grandson, & that was soul-strangling! I love the guy, but I was becoming resentful of him & his mother, my eldest daughter. I had to set boundaries for my sanity. At present, I know that I can set boundaries without rigidity; they can bend, stretch, & shrink when needed. In emergencies, my own needs cease to exist. When childcare is wanted for a night out or the like, then I can weigh my plans before making a choice (sometimes with but mostly) without guilt. Finding a balance was such a battle betwixt my emotions, societal guilt, who I am, & what I desired from my own boundaries.

One of my MAJOR decisions was to not participate in commercial holidays. I performed the "dutiful" holiday traditions while my children were young as I didn't want them to feel alienated at school. There's enough of that without parents making their children outcasts from the get-go. Once they were grown (or close enough to it), I started questioning why I did these things. Was it for the children? To watch their excitement? No. All that planning, conspiring, & shopping withers within an hour. Was it because I wanted to spend time with my family? HELL NO! Why would I continuously try to belong to a group of people that didn't accept me for who I am? Or that tortured & bullied me? Or that molested & raped me? Like most Americans, I was addicted to the familiar (note the root word "family").

My mother passed away on December 17, 1977 (when I was but 7 years old), & I haven't liked Christmas since. There was a depression that would set in, & I wanted to die every year. I thought the darkness was because my of mother's death, but as I grew i realized that it was the entire stress-filled, commercialized thing.

As a child that wasn't wanted I was thrown around from family to family like an old rag. I experienced holidays in various "white American" cultures:  some affluent & some well below the poverty margin. There was talk of a virgin birth, wise men, a star, an angel, & a cruel inn-keep. There were songs & television special revolving around a beagle, a drummer boy, Nester, The Long-Eared Donkey, Rudolph (a marketing ploy of the merchandiser, Montgomery Ward), The Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty (a magical, thieving snowman), Jack Frost, & various other gimmicks to keep the commercial holiday season "fresh" & customers consuming.

I didn't fail to mention Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, or whatever you choose to call this mythical over-sized & obese elf that travels around the world, breaks into people's homes, spies on the children, & tells parents whether or not their children are "worthy" of presents. Again, I didn't fail to mention this guy. It just seemed redundant to explain how ridiculous this legend is. We don't need to make our children mind; we need to teach them to explore.

According to my understanding of the Holy Bible, Jesus said for his disciples to lose their worldly possessions & FOLLOW him. I have NEVER read a passage that told me to WORSHIP him. Christ, in my opinion, seems to have directed that ALL of the glory goes to God, not him (Jesus).

DISCLAIMER:  I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE THAT MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!

Basically, my spiritual decision for not participating was a no-brainer. Besides, I've always appreciated the Celtic (or Gaelic) & Pagan seasonal traditions. They just seem more "connected," in my opinion.

Going to my different & several family homes as an adult with children was an energy sucking affair. At my mother's family gatherings, my cousins were cruel to my children just as the ones my age were when I was a child. They hid my eldest daughter's (who was 3 at the time) Christmas, patent-leather shoes in a crawl space until she cried. Then, even the adults said she was a cry-baby. When I stood up for her, I was promptly told that it wasn't my place to discipline their children. I took Jackie & left. They really had a field day with my youngest, who is more like me than Jackie. For example, my Daryl Emily has never really liked anyone touching her, so these cousins (Nathan & Nicole Hardesty along with Garrett Hicks) encouraged my Aunt Tammy's younger children to cling onto Daryl by hugging & kissing on her. Daryl told them to leave her alone, then Nicole told the little ones to pinch Daryl. When Daryl reacted, of course she got a lashing from all of MY aunts. It was just like when I was a kid. Why did I expose my children to this time & again? It was familiar. . . & they BEGGED to go.

It wasn't any better in the homes of other families, & I have a wealth of truths on that subject.

I was asked recently if I get lonely during the seasonal festivities, & I didn't have a definitive answer. After a month or so of serious consideration I've concluded that I am no more & no less lonely than any other time of the year. However, I can honestly say that my own self-worth has improved by not trying to "fit" in with the people in which I am "supposed" to belong.

Since I've stopped participating in commercial holidays, I have far less stress & fewer bouts with seasonal depression. It has been freeing.

Where I'm At

Since the untimely passing of The Late, Great, Robin Williams, Master of Improv, I haven’t wanted to write a damn thing. It’s hard to be introspective when I’m surrounded by death, suicide, & violence.

Also, my youngest daughter has needed my attention while she tries out her adult wings. Her choices have created intense consequences, & watching her go through it is frustrating & heartbreaking.

I've yet to mention my own responsibilities & commitments that I've let encumber my own happiness. The prospect of moving was scary in itself, but then to get excited about it only to have it ripped away was a roller coaster of emotions. The ride landed me back right where I was in the first place.

On December 17th of this year, the 37th anniversary of my mother’s death, I found myself caring for my grandson while he was ill. He had pneumonia. Although I was concerned about his health, it was a distraction from the depression that tries to set in during the holiday season.

It appeared that the boy was feeling better by the evening, but he definitely was not. As soon as I got him buckled in & was heading back inside he puked again! Poor lil guy! I love, love, LOVE that little man, & I am so happy that he is better. I’m very grateful that it didn't turn into the super flu.

I’ve recently given up dairy. I have virtually no will-power, so the struggle was interesting. I still crave certain dairy products, & when I cave to the crave I suffer for it. 95% of the time (a percentage made up entirely by me) I’m completely satisfied & have no desire to fall of the wagon, even at social gatherings. I feel so much better physically.

My PC had been running on its last circuit & finally died on that fateful December 17th. I wiped everything & started from scratch. I have decided to be very scrupulous when downloading anything from the internet.

All of that said, I’m trying to keep blogging. . .

SHAZBOT! The Tears of a Clown, When There's No One Around

I heard that a monumental part of my life ended his own yesterday, & I don’t know how to process it. At first, I was angry at Mr. Robin Williams for taking himself away from me. Then, I was sad that we lost such a talent. Next, I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. He is gone & at his own hand. Then, it hit me. If depression can take the greatest impersonator & improvisationalist since Jonathan Winters, then how can I survive it?

When Mork made his first appearance on the hit television program Happy Days (“My Favorite Orkan” Season 5, Episode 22, airing February 28, 1978), I fell hopelessly in love. According to George Carlin (& the FCC), there were seven words that you couldn’t say on television in the 1970s, so Robin Williams invented a swear word that he could use while on set. “Shazbot” has become synonymous with nerd swearing since the early 1980s. As I was a misfit with confusions about the American customs & socially accepted behavior, Mork became quite a hero to me. I was only seven years old at the time & had lost my mother just before Christmas the previous year, but I remember it vividly. Richie met Mork, & not a soul believed that he met an actual space man from outer space.

photo courtesy of ABC

I spent most of my childhood sneaking to watch Mr. Williams whenever he had an HBO special or was featured on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He was so taboo. Like George Carlin, Robin Williams wasn’t intended for young children, but I had a taste for funny that wouldn’t subside. As a teen & a young adult, I was fascinated with his sets concerning sex. The man was erotic. He wasn’t sexy in the worldly sense, but he was all man to me. I would fantasize about being on the receiving end of his “pack a lunch & stay for the day” set & get tingly. I used to fanaticize about him calling me on stage for one of his improv sessions. I’d fantasize about presenting a lifetime achievement award to him at the Oscars. I never fanaticized about being his wife, though. I couldn’t have handled it, not even in my fantasies. I was attracted to/am still attracted to rule-breakers with a message. Mr. Williams did both break the rules & had a message. I’m trying to understand why Robin William’s death is so tragic to me when George Carlin’s passing came as no real surprise. Perhaps it was because Mr. Carlin, although a devout atheist, had an inner peace that kept him motivated, or mayhaps I relate more with Mr. Williams as I, too, have a devout faith in God & have been diagnosed with depression.

Like me, Mr. Williams was an only child. Unlike me, he grew up with money. Like me, he was considered fat, so no other children would play with him. Like me, he was ridiculed for his weight & his lack of model-esque looks. Also, like me, throughout his lifetime Mr. Williams struggled with depression. Like me, he has contemplated suicide for years, like when he talks his way through possible suicidal thoughts with his “therapist” while being interviewed for a podcast, Marc Maron’s WTF. He tried self-medicating with drugs & alcohol. He gave up the dope, & became an Academy Award-Winning Actor. As the quintessential comedian, he was hiding his own sadness with his ability to make others laugh, & I envy him for that.

photo courtesy of ABC

Depression isn’t logical & is far from prejudice. It affects people in every walk of life & can be debilitating. Some forms of depression are like a dull ache that the afflicted can’t shake, but for those like me it can come in ebbs & flows. Then, there are others that are completely consumed by the darkness & self-hatred. There is no light when you’re in the midst of a depressed episode & kind words of support mean nothing to the darkness. However, cruel words have the power to plunder the sufferer further into the black. Frankly, the darkness is all there was, is, & all that will ever be.

It’s really a blessing that Robin was already dead when Fox Representative, Shepard Smith called him a coward for killing himself because that would have sent Mr. Williams spiraling even further downward. Since depression may be hereditary, maybe this Fox rep should’ve taken this into consideration before “processing” his own emotions publicly. Reporters are to be professional & objective. What if a person close to Mr. Williams heard that & it affected them? Oh! yeah, Shepard Smith has since “apologized” with a back-door tactic. “In his apology, Smith claims he was simply ‘wondering aloud’ what could have made Williams want to take his life. ‘But no matter how you process it: Look at what this family is going through,’” according to Slate.com. Whether or not he said it or whether or not he apologized is irrelevant. It’s because of people like Mr. Smith that talking openly about suicide is so difficult. How does one express the desire to end the pain when all they hear from others is that they are selfish & cowardly?

Although living with depression is a challenge, being a friend to someone with depression is even more difficult, in my opinion. I’d have a difficult time trying to be my friend, that’s for sure! Sometimes it can feel like your efforts go unappreciated & non-reciprocated, & they are (at least while the friend is consumed by the darkness, void, sadness, grief. . . ). My friends that are still there when I emerge from broken are tremendous, & as the friend to many with different forms of depression I am even more blessed. The most challenging friendships are the ones that involve depression or another form of mental illness. Maybe that’s why Jesus tells me to love without thought for myself as those that need the love aren't capable of reciprocating in the moment? There’s a truth I didn't need revealed right here for everyone to read. Did you know that self-truths tend to pop up when one is writing a blog? Why not? It’s a form of journaling, right?

As an active Psychology patient, I am asked regularly if I’ve had thoughts of suicide, & the honest answer is a resounding, “Yes!.” Life sucks. It’s too hard. So, yes, suicide has been on my brain periodically since I was a small child. I tried to commit suicide when I was 14. There was a boy that I loved with all of my being, & he wouldn’t even flash a smile my way. I went to my foster parents’ bathroom & took every pill that was in the medicine cabinet. Long story short & a dosage of Ipecac later, my ears rang for almost 2 weeks, & I threw up a lot. I also contemplated killing myself so much when I was 15, several of my friends called the police to check on me while I was living with my maternal grandmother. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was serious about it being the only way that I could ever be happy. I hadn’t contemplated suicide for many years after that as my faith discourages killing anyone, including me, but a few years ago I pondered the thoughts again. However, that time, I didn’t have any guilty feelings as I contemplated & made extensive plans & ways to execute them. I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I was playing out the scenarios in my head, & I’m pretty certain that I posted such thoughts on my Facebook profile.

There was a time in my life, like my entire growing up & even up until a few years ago when I thought the same thing. People that commit suicide are cowards & selfish. However, while unlearning all the societal & religious dogma I’ve come to realize that my thoughts & feelings about depression & suicide weren’t my own. They belonged to everyone else. After careful thought, as mentioned previously, I discovered that I, personally, had no judgments regarding suicide or depression.

Down to the core, Robin Williams was more like the character (real person) he portrayed in Patch Adams. According to the Internet and Movie Data Base, “One week after Christopher Reeve's tragic horse-riding accident, Robin visited him in the hospital. However, he was dressed from head to toe in scrubs, spoke with a Russian accent, and had a surgical mask on. He was acting as if he was a real doctor and did a bunch of wacky antics. After he took off his mask, Reeve stated that, ‘That was the first time he laughed since the accident!’". Mr. Williams was so lost and alone inside his own head that he did everything to make others laugh in order to feel better himself. I believe he knew that as long as there was laughter there was life, & I also know in my heart that he also knew that when the laughter stops there is nothing. Robin was lost in the nothing & he didn’t want to, or couldn’t, come back to the laughter.

Robin Williams’ wife, Susan Schneider said, "This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin's family, we are asking for privacy during our tie of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin's death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.” I can’t do that today. It’s too soon. To ignore his tragic death is to hide suicide & its tendencies. There is no shame in depression or wanting to give up.

Mr. Williams was brilliant & lonely. As a child, he was left to play by his lonesome & didn’t make any real connections with anyone, so as an adult he couldn’t make those connections because he lacked the skills. He surrounded himself with people that loved him & that he loved, so he had all of the support anyone could ask for, but he had depression. He was alone, & he was scared. On August 11, 2014 depression won a battle, & I don’t want to see it win anymore.

**PLEASE, TAKE SUICIDE SERIOUSLY**

In an open statement regarding the passing of Mr. Robin Williams, the AFSP expressed condolences & a plea:  “He brought laughter into every life he touched; Robin also suffered from depression.  It is our hope that we are able to have an open conversation that depression and addictions are real illnesses that can sometimes be fatal.  Every 13 minutes someone dies from suicide, and it is among the top ten causes of death in the US.” You may read the statement in its entirety here.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Institute of Mental Health  1-866-615-6464