Today, I am a Loser

Frazzled

Restless

Angry

Gnawing

Menagerie

Enraged

Negativity

Tested

Exasperation

Depressed

My thoughts are fragmented. There’s just so much. Too much. It seems my life has always been hampered by others, & I can’t seem to open the lid, release the building combustion, & fly free. In my soul I know that I am at peace, but my negative self-talk & the voices of others keeps shutting the hamper lid & shitting atop it.

My faith in god & Christ in me is rock solid, & that NEVER seems to waiver (as if my soul knows the truth). However, I have no faith in me & most other people.

I’ve been feeling very volatile lately. I want to release the raging bitch that I stifle yet continues to boil. It would feel so good to tell everyone that frustrates me to FUCK OFF!

I’m feeling like a complete loser. I didn’t finish high school. I got my GED (general education diploma), but that doesn’t feel like a milestone. Passing a GED exam for someone with my intelligence is like goodie-two-shoes passing a urinalysis drug screening. I never finished college. I have difficulty obtaining & retaining employment because my quest for justice surpasses my ability to conform & stand idly by.

I am so tired of being poverty-stricken , but am I tired enough to kowtow? I want to make money from home, but most of the offered home business opportunities are scams. I want to move closer to the comedy clubs to surround others like me. I want to perform, but I have such a fear of rejection that I never do it anymore. However, I don’t want to move away from my grandchildren. They are my heart.

There are times (SHH! DON’T TELL ANYONE) that I just want someone to take care of me financially because independence sucks. These times are VERY few & far between, but they do surface occasionally.

As soon as I see a ray of hope, my past rears up. It was diagnosed as PTSD. I am a survivor of physical, psychological, sexual, & ritualistic abuse, but I want to do more than simply survive. I want to live. I don’t know how to do it without compromising who I am, & that leaves me feeling like a loser.

My hope for me is peace, love, & happiness. . .